Gather around, children. Auntie Shannon has a story to tell.

This tale starts back in 2005. I know it was 2005, because I had gotten into the Invader Zim fandom at that time. In the backyard of one of my aunt and uncle's house, there is a whole empire of bamboo sticks. My cousins and I decided to play World War II...and beat each other with the sticks. (I was Hitler.)

My cousin Jay (different Jay than my ex-boyfriend Jay) stabbed me in the arm on accident with the pointy part of the bamboo. A piece chipped off and made its home inside my arm. I showed my dad and, after we made fun of the injury, we left it alone. My mom DID freak out, but the wound never became infected so we left it alone. Skin eventually grew over it and all was well.

Now, flash to about a month ago.

The wound began to sting. Curious, I checked it. For some twisted reason, the wound became red and puss-and-blood-filled. I cooled it off and left it alone. It eventually died down.

Fast-forward to this morning.

The wound suddenly became twice as bad. Skin grew over the wound, which was trying to force the stick out, but I peeled it off and the stick tried in vain to work its way out. My mother had the wonderful idea of pulling at the skin to pop it open. It hurt! Really bad! So I made her stop, slap a band-aid over it, and sent me to school. The band-aid kept getting caught on my clothes, ripping itself off and pissing me off.

I go home after school and call my mother as usual.
Mom: HEY SHANNON I'M COMING HOME
Me: lol wut? srsly?
Mom: Yeah to take you to the doctors to get the bamboo out. :D :D :D
Me: ....... kitty save me
Kitty: Shut the fuck up and let me lick your face. *nom nom nom*

So she comes home and away we go! The wait in the office took forever so I watched Rejected on my iPod to pass the time. We're allowed in, I explain to the nurse what's up, she tells us to wait for the doctor.

15-20 minutes pass.

This guy walks in. Dr. Painting was his name (I'm not shitting you). He was pretty hot, actually. So he also asks us what's wrong, I explain, and, after much joking, he decided to go to work. At first he asked me how big the thing was, which I measured with my fingers. About a half inch. My mom was like 'lol no'. So, Dr. Painting went to go get some Novocaine. Another doctor (also hot by the way) walks in.
Him: HEY. HOW'S IT GOIN'. :D
Me: SUPER-FINE.
Him: WANT A LOLIPOP? :D THOSE STIMULATE YOUR BRAIN.
Mom: UH SHE DON'T NEED SHIT.
Me: Sure. What flavors?
Him: Hmm...apple, gra--
Me: WHAT KIND OF APPLE.
Him: Sour green apple.
Me: Let's go for it.

Dr. Painting comes in--with a needle and some swabs. Now, I have Belonephobia (fear of needles and pins). So needles drive me batshit insane with fear. Cartoon/drawn needles are fine because those won't stab you to shit. So, he swabs the bamboo'd area. And, with the second doctor holding my leg down, he injected me with Novocaine.

Me: *buries into Mom* OH MAH GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWD ;____;
Mom: calm dooown o___o
Me: *kicks legs wildly because around needles, I LOOSE ALL CONTROL* NEEDLESNEEDLESNEEDLES
Mom: >__>;;

So, after I (finally) calm down, Dr. Painting tries to pull at the bump to open it.

Me: FUCK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING
Dr. Painting: Trying to get it open.
Me: I FEEL EVERYTHING
Mom: ...oh.
Dr. P: ...what?
Mom: THAT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING.
Dr. P: *confused*

When I was three, I needed stitches because I tripped over a metal toy firetruck. I was fine and not in pain until I needed to get stitches. They gave me Novocaine and I freaked the fuck out because it hurt so bad. So we figured out--oops--I'm immune to Novocaine.

Dr. P has an idea. There's another mixture of numbing material they could use to numb me. We agree to go for it, especially because it involved no needles, so he runs off to get it and when he comes back, he applies it. (By now, that lolipop is GONE. I chewed it up so much.)

Then he gets to work while my mom and I talk about how to get revenge on Jay (jokingly). Eventually, without me knowing, the bubble bursts and the stick pops out.

Dr. P: ...I'm done!
Me: Wtf? Really?
Dr. P: *holds up a thin yellow bamboo sliver that is, indeed, half an inch*
Mom: ...whoa wicked.
Me:

                  -:+yhdmNNMMMMMMNNmdhs+:.                  
             `.:ohNNNmmdysso+++oossydmNNNmho:.`             
           .+hmNMmyo/:-..............-:/oyNMNmy/            
        `:smMmho:.........................-/shNMds:`        
      `/yNNmo:-.............................--/smNmy:`      
     .yNMmo-....................................:smMmo      
   `:dMNdyhmNmdhs/--............-:+shdmNmdhs+:-.../yNMh-`   
  .omMNNNNdyoymMMNh/-.........-+hmNmhysosdMMNmy/--.-+mMh:`  
 .omMMMNs:` .hNMMMMNo-......--yNNh+.   `:mMMMMMN+-..-:NMd/  
 omMMMN/`   :mMMMMMMms-.....:yMN+`     .+MMMMMMMMo:.../mMd/ 
:dMNNMy.     /ymmd+mMh:....-/MMo.       .+dmmyodMh/...-smNh`
sNNmNMo`       ``` dMh:....-+MM/`         ``` .yMm+....:hMNo
mMdydMd+//////////+mMy-....-/mMh+/////////////+NMy/.....omNh
MMy/+NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNh+......-+NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNm/-.....+hMN
MMs--///////////////:-........//////////////////:-....../yMM
MMs:../////////////////////////////////////////:......../yMM
MMy/..ymNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNmy........+hMm
mMd+..+sydMMMNmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmNMMm........smNh
sNNy-....+dMMdhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmMMM--.....:hMm+
:dMdo....:oMMNdhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmNMM--....-smNh`
 +dMd:....:hMMmdhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmNMN......+mMd/ 
  +mMm:-..--mMMmdhhhhhhhhhhhyso++//+osyhhhhdNMNy....-/NMd/  
  `/dMm+-...:hNMNdhhhhhhhyo/--.......--:+ydmMMd:..-:oNMh:`  
   `:hMNy/...:smMMmdhhhhs:-.............-/NMMh/..-+hNMy-`   
      smMmy:..-/yNMMNmmd:-..........-:+ydMMdo-.-/hNNd/      
      `:ymNNy/---:ydNMMMmdhysssyyhhmmNNNmh+--:+hNNms-       
        `:smMNds/-.-/oydNMMMMMMMMMNmhso/-.-+ydNMdo:`        
            /ymNMNho+/:-..-:::--....-:/+shMMNds:            
             `.:oymNNNmmhyyssssssyyhmmNNNmyo:``             
                  .-:+yhdmNNMMMMNNmdhs+:-. 

So I look at the wound.

Me: Holy crap. That's cool. ...*looks at the numbing stuff on my arm* Holy darn! I look like a Simpson!
Dr. P: SO WE'RE DONE FOR TODAY. Lemme get the nurse to get you guys ready to go.
Me: BADASS.

So the nurse comes back with a bandage and slaps it on.
Nurse: There might be some discoloration.
Me: Oh I love discoloration! I become a human rainbow!
Mom: Do me a favor.
Me: :D?
Mom: SHUT UP.
Me: .____.;;


So we left and now I am bamboo-free. Finally the saga is over, and you've just wasted three to ten minutes of your life.